 On Thursday morning, I was getting ready for the funeral. He was to be buried at 11 in the morning. I had not looked at any mail for almost a week now. I saw hundreds of cards stacked on my desk. There was one card on the very top that I had to open. Inside was a poem entitled, "To All Parents". Our pastor read this poem at the funeral. It was as if it was meant to be read and such a coincidence that I would pick up one letter from a stack of hundreds! There were 400 people at John's funeral. I had 3 tranquilizers in me then and again I was still standing. I was so scared and nervous, knowing this was the last time I would see John. It seems when you are that nervous you have to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I was no exception. Before everyone started to arrive, I went to spend my time alone with my son. I kissed his cheek and hugged him in a private goodbye, except, it was the hardest thing I had to do was say "Goodbye". I looked very closely at his face, his hair and his hands. His skin was so cold. I noticed how bulky his casket liner was. I looked closer and saw hundreds of notes written by his friends, a few guitar picks and even necklaces that his friends wanted him to take with him. I sat like a zombie through the funeral. I had no idea who was there. I only know the funeral home was so full that people had to stand in the foyer and the funeral home left the door open for people who could not get inside the door. John was about to have his moment of fame. He was the focus of everyone's heart and minds. There wasn't a dry eye in the place. Our pastor barely made it through the service himself. John loved the guitar. He had 2 of them, but never learned to play like he wanted. Our song leader from the church brought his guitar to the service and instead of organ music, he played "Jesus Paid It All" and "What A Friend I Have In Jesus". Both of these songs were sang at my grandfather's funeral years ago. I had a friend in the printing business. She printed up special cards for John to give out to people the day of his funeral. On the front was a picture of John in his military school uniform. On the left of the card was the poem "Footprints". On the right side of the card was a special poem that Tina wrote for John. It went like this:
John's smile that came from the heart
On his grave I took every other line of this poem to have it etched on his stone.
"Your smile came from the heart As the service began to close. The family remained in the enclosed room, as we watched John's guests file past his casket. It seemed to take forever, before it was my family's turn to say goodbye for the final time. It was then I didn't want to go through with this. They weren't going to put my son in the ground. I couldn't stand the idea of him being somewhere I couldn't watch over him. I grabbed him and told him to please get up! It was then I got hysterical and had to be carried out of the funeral home. I soon settled down in the van enroute to the cemetery. I was again in a daze looking around as if it were someone else's life that was flashing before me. My Dad was sitting next to me while my husband drove. He asked me to look in the back. I took my eyes off the hearse long enough to look back to see cars lined up at least 2 miles. These were the people who were saying goodbye to John. When the service at the cemetery was over and the final prayers had been said, I noticed then all of the people who attended John's funeral. There were about 20 Supervisors from where I work who attended, along with half of our office. They were operating on a skeleton crew while others attended John's funeral. Everyone came up to hug me including my ex-husband. Half of the people there jumped toward me when he came up to me. They wanted to be ready in case I became hysterical again. He didn't stay with me but a few seconds because he knew how I felt. I couldn't stand the idea of him even being there. So he left. It was a couple of weeks before I was allowed to be alone. I had a lot to do after John's funeral. I didn't even know how to get to John's grave, because everything was such a blur. My husband took me privately the next day. After that I visited him daily with fresh flowers. I wrote thank you notes to everyone who attended John's funeral or sent flowers. It was weeks before I could go anywhere alone, much less drive a car. My husband went to the grocery store and did all of the errands. One day I tried to go to the grocery store and drove six blocks past it before I realized I'd done it! When I got back to the store, I panicked and turned around and ran out of the store. I sat in the car crying because I could not even go to the grocery store. I made it back home. My husband left to do the grocery shopping after making sure I was alright.   
  
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